My Story
On the 20th February 2024 I decided to put an end to my own life. To put a stop to all the pain and misery I was feeling, yet managing to conceal to those around me. Harboring years of sadness, disappointment, trauma and a whole array of other emotions hidden behind my cheesy smile and limp wrists. I decided to end my own life by hanging myself.
However, despite me going ahead with my intended plans, dying four times, being moved between three different hospitals, undergoing a number of lifesaving operations, being in a coma for five weeks, learning to walk again, losing most of my memory and staying in hospital for three months in total, I’m still here. The only visible difference is that now I’m living my life with a tracheostomy in place for the foreseeable future due to a paralysed voice box, which in actual fact I’ve found to have many benefits at certain (intimate) times.
Mentally I’ve changed in ways that a few sentences just won’t do it justice, hence my reason to start a blog. With this blog I intend on diving (not physically) into what lead me into making my decision to hang myself. And rather than just agreeing with those that look at me and make assumptions as to why I have a tracheostomy i.e. cancer or long term COVID. I’m owning what I know now and why, even if I sometimes blame my accident on bird watching and accidentally falling out of a tree, resulting in me causing the damage I have incurred. Having such a dark sense of humour has its benefits at times, if I can’t laugh about what happened then ill only be crying and rest assured, I’m all out of tears!
I also intend on mentioning my reasons as to why I did what I did. Losing my best friend Betsy, my much-loved pug being just one reason. Betsy being in my freezer for six months is a story of its own, but with my other shocking fairy tale stories that are certain of a giggle, I’ll also be sharing the feelings felt as to what got me to that point and more so, how I’m feeling now.
I’ve briefly shared my story with others and have found that the responses received to be truly overwhelming. Be that pure shock or fits of laughter. By simply being open and honest I have found that my story has helped many others with their own mental health struggles. Something I never dreamt or even considered would be possible. But if by opening up and being as honest as I possibly can should help another similar to a situation I was once in, then that is my goal, my mission. I might not be able to change someone’s thought process but if I can crack a smile then that will truly be a gift that money cannot buy.
Mental Health is real however having just recently unleashed this new found strength, something that I still battle with daily, to be the person that I want to be (to which I’ve found many benefits) I feel that my own story can help many others in uncovering their own inner strength and in doing so, live the life’s that they truly deserve without the pressure and struggles that Mental Health can bring.
With this in mind, I’d like to think that by simply speaking up and being true to not only myself but to all that may read my posts, my goal of beating the stigma held around Mental Health can be tackled. Giving the opportunity for many others to be their true authentic self, without any judgment, opinions or negative critique. Let’s face it, if we can’t laugh about our struggles then we will only be crying, regardless of how many happy pills we take! So lets laugh together in the face of Mental Health and have that last laugh as a whole, a community either battling their own mental health issues or those that are supporting another with mental health issues!!!!
